“What are you going to call the baby?”

This is apparently the most pressing question people have for me nowadays, judging by the number of times I get asked it.

I could pretend I don’t understand why people are asking…but I do. I always wanted to know what my friends were going to name their offspring too. It’s weirdly intriguing. Maybe it’s because I’ve considered my kids’ names since primary school. Maybe it’s because of the intense power of a name. Maybe it’s because I enjoy judging people. Either way, I’ve discovered that this is yet one more thing that’s a totally different experience once you’re knocked up.

I’ve found that if I do tell my friends the names we’re choosing between, they make comments. They say that they used to know a Melchior who was horrible. Or that Pomegranate is an ugly name. Or, worst of all, they’re also planning to name their bundle of joy Aurora Borealis. Of course these are comments that I considered perfectly reasonable this time last year. I wasn’t trying to be rude. I was just chatting, sharing opinions, reflecting on the issues.

But take it from me, once you’re pregnant, you can’t handle it. You treasure your chosen name so dearly that any comment whatsoever is like a red rag to a bull. Hypersensitive should be my new name. I warned you I’ve gone proper loopy these days.

I think people sense this though, because asking a baby-to-be’s name carries with it a frisson of daring. No doubt that’s part of the appeal. You can tell people are gearing themselves up to ask, and it feels like an assault on your battlements. They’re eager to see if they can breach your defences and capture the Holy Grail of baby information.

What makes this a particularly nasty attack for the parents is that even if they have a dozen monogrammed babygrows hidden in a drawer, it’s simply not done to refer to the developing foetus by name. I have heard of the odd case of foreigners using the foetus’s name and getting vilified, laughed at, lampooned. Some kind-hearted souls even recommend that you don’t name the baby in case you get too attached and something goes horribly wrong. Cheers, mate.

So for the sake of pregnant people everywhere, let’s draw the line and make it illegal to ask the baby’s name. I mean, we might have to address the situation in the Middle East first, but as soon as that’s dealt with I expect David Cameron to get straight on this.